Loving the Idea of Leaving: Finding Yourself While Walking Away

Hey family! Welcome back to the She Will Speak Blog.  This week for me has been very spiritually fulfilling, and I am learning that sometimes to be spiritually fulfilled, one has to get uncomfortable equally.  That looks like coming to terms with the thoughts, people, places, and alignments that no longer serve us.  I even would equate the process of letting go of one’s identity to the grieving strategy we face when a loved one has passed. Because letting go in most aspects of our lives is difficult, I think we need to give more space to let go of the people and situations still alive.

Me and my engagement ring.

Last year, I posted on my Instagram about my decision to walk away from my engagement. To set the stage for you all, I found it hard to leave this situation. A situation that I had already mentally stepped away from.  I had tried everything in my power to make it work! Even by taking the blame for problems that were not my fault and allowing myself to be treated less than what I deserved. I found it so interesting to see my mind go back and forth from being ready to “hit the dip” and “you are not trying hard enough, sis,” and I am sure any Woman reading understands that one.

“You are not trying hard enough” Because when something does not work in our lives, we are not trying hard enough.

It took a month of therapy visits, contacting all my friends, and prayer to gather the courage to leave my engagement.  But when  I did, I instantly felt at peace on a spiritual level; my anxiety and worry melted away.  That is another point for folks that I would like to make: 

You may not want to acknowledge it, but your spirit feels when you are out of alignment. It won’t rest until you recognize and fix it.

And let me tell you! My spirit was all over the place, but I found the courage to do it! However, that only stepped one; yes, step one was leaving.  Step two was the hard part: telling people about the decision and all that comes with that. Looking back on the situation, I realize I was more fearful of what others would say or think about me than my actual feelings within the relationship.

So here we are...the cookout. Anyone who is Black or has been to a Black family cookout knows this is where all the questions are asked.  Forget a police interrogation, bring them over to aunties house, and I promise you will get all the answers you need.

*Just saying* 

So here we are! Plate in and hand, and finally, the question comes up; it did not take long for folks to notice my missing ring. 

Family: “How’s the engagement going?”

Me: “We broke up.”

The following interaction shifted and disrupted everything I was prepared for:

Family: “Well, that’s okay.  That’s what an engagement is for, it’s like the next level to get all those last-minute questions, and situations ironed out! Don’t worry; you will be all right.”

CHILLLLDDDDDTTTTTTT. I was like WAITTTTT???!?!??!? Is this okay?

Everyone I had spoken to said, “it is okay,” and congratulated me for following my intuition and knowing what was best for me. One of my best girlfriends, Dr. Jennifer Santos, explained it to be the best when I told her about my experience.

She told me that our initial reaction when someone says something ‘did not work’ is to give sympathy or the “I am Sorry,” when the other person often finds peace and healing in leaving. After processing why I went and what was next, I found more of myself, and I did start to hear my intuition clearer.  Dr. Santos (hey, girl!) was right! Leaving is often very freeing, even if we are uncomfortable in that initial moment.  Truthfully, even now, when I have conversations with folks, and the story of me ending an engagement comes up 9/10, I get “I’m sorry,” to which I reply, “I’m Not.”

I have since found value and acceptance in understanding that we all have to leave.  Even our existence on earth is temporary and fleeting, so with that knowledge, why sit in the situations that do not align?  If you were looking for permission, then here it is, leave it.

The relationship.

The job

The town.

The mindset.

The major.

The situation.

Please, don’t be afraid to walk away. When you feel it in your bones…that is when it is time.

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“The one person who will never leave us, whom we will never lose, is ourselves.

Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin.”

-Bell Hooks 

Takeaways:

1)    Sometimes to be spiritually fulfilled, one has to get uncomfortable equally.

2)    Leaving sometimes takes a grieving period.

3)    You do not always need to “work harder.” Sometimes the hardest but the most needed thing is to let go.

4)    Holding on can keep you in not only unfulfilling but even toxic situations (i.e., an abusive relationship or toxic job)

5)    We shouldn’t care what other people think, BUT it is nice to find support! Don’t be afraid to talk to others or a non-biased party like a therapist.

6)    Learn how not to care what others think

7)    Congratulate yourself for leaving and doing what is best

8)    Congratulate others for doing the same

9)    Know your worth, and don’t accept anything less

10) You are loved.