Are The “Nice Guys” Really That Nice? A Breakdown of Maid PT 1

Photo of Characters Alex and Maddie from Maid

All right, family, welcome back to the She Will Speak Blog! I am your host  Cheyenne Tyler Jacobs, and if you don’t know me, there should be an ‘about’ button somewhere.

Well, let's get into it, shall we? So if you have not already seen the limited series Maid (based on a true story) on Netflix, I 100% recommend you to watch it. I will give a trigger warning that this show does show forms of abuse and addiction, and I would recommend watching with a trusted person or resource if needed.  Making time to even speak with your therapist afterward to decompress can be helpful.

First, to give everyone a synopsis of the show, Alex, a single mother, turns to house cleaning to survive after taking her daughter Maddie and leaving her abusive relationship. This series will be spoken about in a couple of forthcoming blogs, but the character Nate and his “Nice Guy” persona was truly burning a hole in my cranium. I will try not to spoil the characters or the show completely, but I make no promises.

Characters Alex and Nate from Maid

For some background on the characters, Nate and Alex knew each other before she got into a relationship with her abusive boyfriend, Sean. Throughout the series, you see Alex trying to work, find stability, and be the best mother she can be while everything is against her. In one episode, there is a point where Nate runs into Alex and catches a glimpse of the life Alex is living and tries to help. I was rooting for Nate; initially, his character seemed to be very genuine and kind to Alex while she was navigating leaving an abusive relationship. However, as the series continues and we start to understand Alex’s history and Nate’s intentions, one might wonder if Nate is part of this “Nice Guy Syndrome.”

The term Nice Guy Syndrome describes men who believe that they are entitled to women because they are "a “nice guy.” This often means they showcase basic human respect and are not physically abusive…which should be a norm if you ask me. This could look like a guy helping out a friend, listening to her feelings, and even simply giving affirmations. Nice Guy Syndrome is dangerous because it is often a covert contract, and if a woman does not give the man what he wants, he may begin to exhibit more violent or controlling behaviors.

In a previous interview, Dr. Robert Glover studied Nice Guy Syndrome: “Others typically do not realize these (covert contracts) exist and are often surprised when the Nice Guy lashes out at their failure to keep their end of the deal." 

Now for some of you trying to picture what this looks like, this is often the guy in the “friendzone” who does very nice things. So they feel because they have treated you better than, maybe other people you have dealt with, they are owed that relationship or often access to sex. Going back to our friend Nate, he gifts Alex high price ticket items, such as a car in the series. We know, in general, it is a necessity, but if you are leaving an abusive relationship and trying to have a steady income. Having means of transportation is very important! At one point in the series, Alex stays with Nate but later voices her concerns to her mom that there is this pressure from him to be in a relationship. Her mom said, “well, if he's giving you all these things and treating you kindly, why not just have sex with him”? 

Yep. Mama said that.

I would also like to note that Alex continuously tells Nate that she is not in a place to have a relationship throughout all of these events. But yet, he still pushes!

Now, these are my $0.02 on the situation, but the same way abusers will try to manipulate someone when they're at a shallow stage or moment in life. It can be compared to how some lovely guys try to swoop in and save the day and then leverage their kindness to force a relationship or sex out of another person. 

“Niceness is not transactional, but it is treated as such.” - Cheyenne Tyler Jacobs.

Oh, and if you want to know why I am convinced Nate suffered from Nice Guy Syndrome when you watch his actions when Alex returns to Sean. A relationship that he is aware of is abusive…that should tell you everything you need to know.

I wanted to write about this character and this situation because I do not think people understand the danger of dealing with someone who has Nice Guy Syndrome. As a woman, the government, relationships, even family dynamics control us; our body is continuously being owed, regulated, and a talking point for everyone but us. So the idea that because someone is presented as nice is now a reason we should not only accept this person but also give them access to our beings further pushes the narrative that women are simply collateral. The Nice Guy Syndrome also upholds a patriarchal system and, if anything, keeps a history going that men are not inherently good and have to force themselves to be excellent.

No, do not get me wrong, there are nice guys out there!

I know because they are in my circle, but they don't have to try and be nice, they do not use their niceness as a reason for access, and they don't throw their niceness in my face. Being a good person is just a part of who they are, and this whole mindset that “Nice Guys Finish Last” is not only false but is a narrative that continues to hurt everyone!

So in closing family, I was rooting for Nate, but then I had to stop. To the genuine nice guys who are friendly, you are appreciated, and please don't let society systems tell you to have to change. To the guys who have to force themselves to be friendly and use it as collateral, please take the time you need to unpack and heal because you can do better. To the folks who have dealt with someone suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome, no, you were not tripping. It is accurate, and I am here to validate your feelings.

Let me know if you have dealt with someone who suffered from “Nice Guy Syndrome.”